Parentification and Signs of Alienation
Parentification is a form of Parental Alienation. It is a dynamic in which the roles of parent and child become reversed, to a degree, resulting in the child taking on responsibilities and roles that are typically associated with parental figures. This can occur in both emotional and instrumental (practical) forms. Emotional parentification involves the child taking on the emotional support role of the parent, whereas instrumental parentification involves the child taking on practical duties such as caring for siblings, performing household chores, or managing finances. This coincides with parental alienation and are likely symptoms of other mental issues of the offending parent
Relationship Dynamics in Parentification
In a relationship affected by parentification, the boundary between the roles of parent and child is blurred or inverted. Children may feel a sense of pride and maturity in being trusted with adult responsibilities or being their parent’s confidante. However, this dynamic can severely disrupt the child’s development and affect their emotional well-being. The parent, on the other hand, might rely on the child for support they cannot find elsewhere, often due to their own unresolved issues, stress, illness, or substance abuse problems. This Dysfunctional reversal relation coincides with heaving family law litigation. The parent takes this tactic to vilify the other parent and place the children in the middle to defend the parenting parent. The following issues arise in the family Courts due to the alienating behavior:
Issues Arising from Parentification
- Loss of Childhood: Children who are parentified often miss out on essential aspects of their childhood. They may have limited opportunities to play, explore, and engage in age-appropriate activities with peers, leading to a sense of lost childhood. Unfortunately, the parentification can begin at a younger age but typically will begin around the ages of nine to eighteen when the child can begin taking responsibilities. Many children will lose out on their high school or developmental years due to having the burden of caring for their parent or allegedly protecting their parent due to litigation.
- Emotional and Psychological Impact: The burden of adult responsibilities can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues in children. They might struggle with self-esteem issues, feeling valued only for what they can provide rather than who they are. These impact are seen in future relationships with the children which continue the pattern of divorce and even through subsequent counseling, the children’s emotional state will never fully heal.
- Difficulty with Boundaries: Children who grow up in parentified roles may have trouble setting and respecting boundaries in their future relationships. They might become overly responsible caretakers or, conversely, may struggle to take responsibility for their actions.
- Relationship Challenges: The reversal of roles can complicate the parent-child relationship, sometimes breeding resentment or anger in the child. It can also affect the child’s future relationships, as they may either avoid caregiving roles or enter into relationships where they are again in a caregiving position, continuing the cycle.
- Educational and Social Impact: The demands of parentification can distract from schooling and extracurricular activities, affecting academic performance and social development. It might also lead to social isolation, as peers may not understand the child’s responsibilities or the child may feel different from their peers.
- Impaired Emotional Development: Children in parentified roles may become adept at caring for others but remain underdeveloped in caring for themselves. They might struggle with identifying and expressing their own needs and emotions.
Addressing the Issues
Breaking the cycle of parentification involves acknowledging the problem, setting appropriate boundaries, and seeking professional help. Therapy can be particularly beneficial for both the parent and the child, helping to address the underlying issues that led to parentification and working to establish a healthier dynamic. Support groups and educational programs can also provide resources and coping strategies.
In severe litigation this can prove expensive, but if the Judge is not shown these alienation tactics the emotional and psychological damage to the children will endure for the rest of their lives regardless of the counseling.
A parent that commits parentification or any other form of alienation usually has narcissistic personality attributes and cares not for the child’s best interest but only painting the other parent in a horrendous light. These issues need to be brought before the Judge at temporary orders to set a parent up to prove these tactics during final Trial.
Julian Nacol
Dallas Fathers Rights Attorney
Dallas TX
(972) 690-3333
What about a Texas Father’s Summer Visitation? The Standard Child Possession Order – Texas Family Code
When parents are battling over divorce issues and child custody, they often times do not understand that the Texas Family Code has expanded the standard child possession order to make joint managing conservators with more equal rights and duties and possession of the child. It is important to keep in mind that, under certain circumstances, and depending on the age of a child, a judge may alter the standard possession order in any way that serves the best interest of the child.
The following is an example of a standard possession order for a parent who lives within 100 miles of their child under the Texas Family Code.
IT IS ORDERED that the conservators shall have possession of the child at times mutually agreed to in advance by the parties, and, in the absence of mutual agreement, it is ORDERED that the conservators shall have possession of the child under the specified terms set out in this Standard Possession Order.
PARENTS WHO RESIDE UNDER 100 MILES APART:
Except as otherwise explicitly provided in this Standard Possession Order, when Possessory Conservator resides 100 miles or less from the primary residence of the child, Possessory Conservator shall have the right to possession of the child as follows:
Weekends—
Weekends that do not occur during the regular school term, beginning at 6:00 p.m. on the first, third, and fifth Friday of each month and ending at 6:00 p.m. on the following Sunday.
Extended Summer Possession by Possessory Conservator—
- With Written Notice by April 1—If Possessory Conservator gives Managing Conservator written notice by April 1 of a year specifying an extended period or periods of summer possession for that year, Possessory Conservator shall have possession of the child for thirty days beginning no earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation and ending no later than seven days before school resumes at the end of the summer vacation in that year, to be exercised in no more than two separate periods of at least seven consecutive days each, as specified in the written notice, provided that the period or periods of extended summer possession do not interfere with Father’s Day Weekend. These periods of possession shall begin and end at 6:00 p.m.
- Without Written Notice by April 1—If Possessory Conservator does not give Managing Conservator written notice by April 1 of a year specifying an extended period or periods of summer possession for that year, Possessory Conservator shall have possession of the child for thirty consecutive days in that year beginning at 6:00 p.m. on July 1 and ending at 6:00 p.m. on July 31.
Notwithstanding the Thursday periods of possession during the regular school term and the weekend periods of possession ORDERED for Possessory Conservator, it is explicitly ORDERED that Managing Conservator shall have a superior right of possession of the child as follows:
- Summer Weekend Possession by Managing Conservator—If Managing Conservator gives Possessory Conservator written notice by April 15 of a year, Managing Conservator shall have possession of the child on any one weekend beginning at 6:00 p.m. on Friday and ending at 6:00 p.m. on the following Sunday during any one period of the extended summer possession by Possessory Conservator in that year, provided that Managing Conservator picks up the child from Possessory Conservator and returns the child to that same place and that the weekend so designated does not interfere with Father’s Day Weekend.
- Extended Summer Possession by Managing Conservator—If Managing Conservator gives Possessory Conservator written notice by April 15 of a year or gives Possessory Conservator fourteen days’ written notice on or after April 16 of a year, Managing Conservator may designate one weekend beginning no earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation and ending no later than seven days before school resumes at the end of the summer vacation, during which an otherwise scheduled weekend period of possession by Possessory Conservator shall not take place in that year, provided that the weekend so designated does not interfere with Possessory Conservator’s period or periods of extended summer possession or with Father’s Day Weekend.
PARENTS WHO RESIDE OVER 100 MILES APART:
If the possessory conservator resides more than 100 miles from the residence of the child, the possessory conservator shall have the right to possession of the child as follows:
1. Summer Possession:
(A) Gives the managing conservator written notice by April 1 of each year specifying an extended period or periods of summer possession, the possessory conservator shall have possession of the child for 42 days beginning not earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation and ending not later than seven days before school resumes at the end of the summer vacation, to be exercised in not more than two separate periods of at least seven consecutive days each with each period of possession beginning and ending at 6 p.m. on each applicable day; or
(B) Does not give the managing conservator written notice by April 1 of each year specifying an extended period or periods of summer possession, the possessory conservator shall have possession of the child for 42 consecutive days beginning at 6 p.m. on June 15 and ending at 6 p.m. on July 27;
2. If the managing conservator gives the possessory conservator written notice by April 15 of each year the managing conservator shall have possession of the child on one weekend beginning Friday at 6 p.m. and ending at 6 p.m. on the following Sunday during one period of possession by the possessory conservator under Subdivision (3), provided that if a period of possession by the possessory conservator exceeds 30 days, the managing conservatory may have possession of the child under the terms of this subdivision on two nonconsecutive weekends during that time period, and further provided that the managing conservator picks up the child from the possessory conservator and returns the child to that same place; and
3. If the managing conservatory give the possessory conservator written notice by April 15 of each year, the managing conservator may designate 21 days beginning not earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation and ending not later than seven days before school resumes at the end of the summer vacation, to be exercised in not more than two separate periods of at least seven consecutive days each with each period of possession beginning and ending at 6 p.m. on each applicable day, during which the possessory conservator may not have possession of the child, provided that the period or periods so designated do not interfere with the possessory conservator’s period or periods of extended summer possession or with Father’s Day if the possessory conservator is the father of the child.
Holidays Unaffected by Distance
Notwithstanding the weekend and Thursday periods of possession of Possessory Conservator, Managing Conservator and Possessory Conservator shall have the right to possession of the child as follows:
Father’s Day Weekend—Father shall have the right to possession of the child each year, beginning at 6:00 p.m. on the Friday preceding Father’s Day and ending at 6:00 p.m. on Father’s Day, provided that if Father is not otherwise entitled under this Standard Possession Order to present possession of the child, he shall pick up the child from the other conservator’s residence and return the child to that same place.
General Terms and Conditions
Except as otherwise explicitly provided in this Standard Possession Order, the terms and conditions of possession of the child that apply regardless of the distance between the residence of a parent and the child are as follows:
1. Surrender of Child by Managing Conservator—Managing Conservator is ORDERED to surrender the child to Possessory Conservator at the beginning of each period of Possessory Conservator’s possession at the residence of Managing Conservator.
If a period of possession by Possessory Conservator begins at the time the child’s school is regularly dismissed, Managing Conservator is ORDERED to surrender the child to Possessory Conservator at the beginning of each such period of possession at the school in which the child is enrolled. If the child is not in school, Possessory Conservator shall pick up the child at the residence of Managing Conservator at 6:00 p.m., and Managing Conservator is ORDERED to surrender the child to Possessory Conservator at the residence of Managing Conservator at 6:00 p.m. under these circumstances.
2. Surrender of Child by Possessory Conservator—Possessory Conservator is ORDERED to surrender the child to Managing Conservator at the residence of Managing Conservator at the end of each period of possession.
3. Return of Child by Possessory Conservator—Possessory Conservator is ORDERED to return the child to the residence of Managing Conservator at the end of each period of possession. However, it is ORDERED that, if Managing Conservator and Possessory Conservator live in the same county at the time of rendition of this order, Possessory Conservator’s county of residence remains the same after rendition of this order, and Managing Conservator’s county of residence changes, effective on the date of the change of residence by Managing Conservator, Possessory Conservator shall surrender the child to Managing Conservator at the residence of Possessory Conservator at the end of each period of possession.
If a period of possession by Possessory Conservator ends at the time the child’s school resumes, Possessory Conservator is ORDERED to surrender the child to Managing Conservator at the end of each such period of possession at the school in which the child is enrolled or, if the child is not in school, at the residence of Managing Conservator at [address].
4. Surrender of Child by Possessory Conservator—Possessory Conservator is ORDERED to surrender the child to Managing Conservator, if the child is in Possessory Conservator’s possession or subject to Possessory Conservator’s control, at the beginning of each period of Managing Conservator’s exclusive periods of possession, at the place designated in this Standard Possession Order.
5. Return of Child by Managing Conservator—Managing Conservator is ORDERED to return the child to Possessory Conservator, if Possessory Conservator is entitled to possession of the child, at the end of each of Managing Conservator’s exclusive periods of possession, at the place designated in this Standard Possession Order.
6. Personal Effects—each conservator is ORDERED to return with the child the personal effects that the child brought at the beginning of the period of possession.
7. Designation of Competent Adult—each conservator may designate any competent adult to pick up and return the child, as applicable. IT IS ORDERED that a conservator or a designated competent adult be present when the child is picked up or returned.
8. Inability to Exercise Possession—each conservator is ORDERED to give notice to the person in possession of the child on each occasion that the conservator will be unable to exercise that conservator’s right of possession for any specified period.
9. Written Notice—written notice shall be deemed to have been timely made if received or postmarked before or at the time that notice is due.
10. Notice to School and Managing Conservator—If Possessory Conservator’s time of possession of the child ends at the time school resumes and for any reason the child is not or will not be returned to school, Possessory Conservator shall immediately notify the school and Managing Conservator that the child will not be or has not been returned to school.
Again, a Judge may under varied circumstances change any provision of a Standard Possession Order.
Are You An Alienated Parent With A Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) Family Experience? What Can You Do?
There is nothing worse than a family torn apart by parents who are battling over child custody. Many of these cases are in serious litigation and often, these disputes will continue for years.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? In the 1980’s, forensic psychiatrist, Dr. Richard A. Gardner noticed a large increase in a disorder where one parent will program or brainwash a child to alienate the other parent. He also found the child was self-creating contributions supporting the alienating parent’s campaign of denigration against the targeted parent.
Dr. Gardner’s definition of PAS: Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilifications of the target parents. (Gardner, the Parental Alienation Syndrome)
There is no pure PAS diagnosis if the child still has a positive relationship with the parent even though the other parent is trying to alienate the child.
Courts are generally more conservative in their judgment acknowledging PAS in high conflict cases. Even though Parental Alienation evidence may be overwhelming, often courts will enter judgments allowing the “parents to make joint decisions about the child’s welfare.” This will not ever happen between two alienated parents! In many situations it will take a dramatic or tragic situation to force the court to change primary custody. When the alienating parent becomes unstable mentally, the court will recognize that there is something “out of line” and will become more supportive of the targeted parent.
What are the Best ways for the Alienated Parent to Deal with the PAS issue?
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Keep your “cool”. Never retaliate. Never act in anger since anger=unstable.
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Never give up! You cannot let your child grow up in this environment of hate. The child is the victim of a situation that he/she never asked to be in.
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Be “Proactive”! It is a terrible situation for the entire family, but work on seeking constructive action to solve the problem. Do not allow yourself to become a victim!
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Always keep a journal of dates and times of major key events. Explain when the situation occurred and what happened specifically. Any Witnesses?
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Always call and show to pick up the child even when you know he/she will not be there. Try to contact the police to have a record of the no-show event or take a witness to video the denial of possession. You do have an interest in your child, no matter what the alienating parent says.
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When you do see the child, focus on enjoying your parent-child time together. Never talk badly about the other parent and do not let children overhear inappropriate conversation on the telephone.
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Hire a skilled family lawyer who has experience in parental alienation syndrome issues. Do your homework on PAS and interview the lawyer on his experience and what your issues are. If you are not satisfied look again. This is your life and you are trying to save your child.
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Be prepared to financially see this case to the end. Most of these case last for years. You cannot start and stop.
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A forensic evaluator in PAS cases is usually an asset in showing that there is truly alienation occurring and recommend changing legal and primary custody to the alienated parent. An appropriate parenting plan included showing how well the child will be taken care of with the alienated parent, is advised.
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Always pay your child support on time and never violate court orders. Never give the alienating parent reason to question your behavior.
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Last but not least, to show that your parenting skills are superior, take a comprehensive parenting course to be able to show the court that you strive to be the best parent you can to the child, no matter what the alienating parent says.
Divorcing a Narcissist
What is a narcissist? Narcissistic Personality Disorder or ‘NPD” is a mental disorder where the person has very inflated self-esteem issue and a serious need for admiration and special treatment from other people. Typical arrogant behavior and lack of empathy for other people causes many problems in all emotional areas of their lives and relationships.
Narcissists are also very aggressive and usually have impulsive tendencies, dangerous lifestyles involving cockiness, selfishness, manipulation and power motives. These individuals are usually very exciting personalities at first meeting, but later cause unfulfilling relationships resulting in anxiety and depression at the end of the day.
You have met the “most exciting” person in the world who has self-esteem problems and can’t get along with anyone, including you! The big problem is that you married this person and now you MUST FIND A SOLUTION TO THIS SITUATION AND GET A DIVORCE!
The marriage adventure is over. Your married life to your narcissist was a total disaster and you know that you need to get a divorce. Are you frightened that you could very well lose everything in this divorce from hell since you may lack the manipulating skills that your narcissist spouse skillfully uses on all aspects of his/her manipulative lifestyle?
Before you start the Divorce battle with your narcissist, you must “Stop Feeling and Start Thinking”! You have been emotionally battered and mutilated for years by this spouse, but now is the time to take over your life and your children’s lives and decide that Your family DOES NOT AND WILL NOT TAKE THIS ABUSE ANYMORE FROM YOUR SPOUSE!
Here are some tips on planning your exit from this marriage and Win control of your life and your family lives.
- BE PREPARED! If you are thinking of going through with this divorce, start your preparations now! You need total knowledge of your family’s financial situation. On our website you can pull off a blog “Texas Divorce Financial Checklist” (http://www.divorcedallastx.com/texas-divorce-financial-checklist/) which will give you a guideline on your financial information needed. Update this information immediately. Know who makes what and where all monies and assets are located. All banking and account information should be update for correct account numbers and balances. This will help you determine how much money you will need to live on and what you can plan on your part of the assets. This will also give you an idea on what funds you can use to hire a competent attorney to help you get through the divorce.
- RESEARCH PRIORITY ISSUES! Educate yourself on divorce issues, such as child custody and visitation, who gets the house, property separation, spousal maintenance and child support in your state. Prioritize what is important to you and prepare questions to ask an attorney on what your expectations should be. All or nothing does not work. Set Reasonable goals.
- START INTERVIEWING ATTORNEYS to find a good match to help you through this complicated divorce. Look for an attorney who deals with difficult family law cases concerning emotional/domestic abuse, high conflict individuals, or contested child custody. Even if you are served divorce papers, take your time finding an experienced attorney who will be your advocate in the divorce. DO NOT HIRE A NARCISSIST ATTORNEY! This would be a disaster!
- Help Plan your Divorce Game plan! No one knows your Narcissist spouse or family situation better than you. What arguments/facts will they come up with to hurt your position? Discuss your entire situation with you attorney and work together on your divorce approach. Your attorney will help you determine your final goals through experience from his previous experience in such matters.
- STAY REASONABLE AND TRY TO KEEP EMOTIONS STEADY! Don’t let your narcissist spouse turn you into a narcissist! You cannot win this way! Think logical, use true facts, and don’t go overboard financially battling with him/her. If this gets settled, goes to mediation, or ever a jury trial, it will be over and you will greatly improve your life.
You married a Narcissist and now you are divorcing him/her. You must be prepared knowing that your spouse will now be able to participate in the greatest show of their lives, “THE DIVORCE”. Your spouse will try to show what a horrible, ungrateful, unworthy person/parent you are and how badly you hurt your innocent victim/martyr spouse.
Irrelevant are your feelings and emotions. By thinking and planning your divorce strategy with a qualified attorney you will be prepared for battle and to live your life as you choose.
Remember the focal point of his/her narcissistic behavior is the fear of abandonment and threat to his/her self-worth. Be well-prepared for the battle ahead. The key is to not respond emotionally and let it drain you. Observe their behavior as a disorder, and don’t absorb it as a literal or personal attack on you.
If you mitigate for his/her drawn-out narcissistic rage and know that he/she may attempt to destroy you, you will less likely feel bullied or defeated. Be forewarned, you will be less victimized by something you expect.
NACOL LAW FIRM P.C.
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Attorney Mark A. Nacol is board certified in Civil Trial Law by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization