Children That Suffer from Covert Narcissism
Living with a covert narcissist can present unique and challenging issues, especially when children are involved. Unfortunately, Covert narcissism is a primary mover in all litigious custody and divorce cases in Texas. A Covert narcissist, unlike their more overt counterparts, tend to display narcissism through subtler means. They may appear sensitive or withdrawn and use passive-aggressive behaviors to manipulate and control their husband and children. Here are some issues that often arise in the family dynamic prior to a Divorce or Modification being filed:
1. Emotional Neglect and Invalidation
Children may experience emotional neglect or invalidation of their feelings and needs. Covert narcissists can be so focused on their own internal struggles and need for admiration that they overlook or dismiss their children’s emotional needs. This is a primary reason for continuous or vexatious litigation. A Covert Narcissist does not care how Divorce or Custody litigation emotionally drains their children, the Narcissist only cares about their validation and admiration regardless of the emotional toll it takes from the family.
2. Manipulative Behavior
Covert narcissists may manipulate situations and people to maintain their sense of superiority and control. Children, in particular, may be manipulated through guilt, obligations, or subtle threats, affecting their ability to form healthy relationships. These tactics are common in litigation, furthermore a Covert narcissist will not restrain from playing a child in the middle of any litigation via conference with the Judge, relaying derogatoriness messages to the other parent, being forced or coached to say negative things to the play therapist or custody evaluator during litigation.
3. Emotional Volatility
Despite their more reserved facade, covert narcissists can have significant emotional volatility. Children living in such environments may experience anxiety and fear, never quite sure of the parent’s mood or reaction to situations. This also includes love bombing and gaslighting to obtain testimony from children that may otherwise not want to be involved.
4. Role Reversal
Children may find themselves in situations of role reversal, where they feel responsible for the emotional well-being of the narcissistic parent. This inappropriate burden can hinder their emotional development and lead to codependent tendencies. This tendency is seen and also considered a form of parental alienation. The narcissist acts the victim and requests the children to protect them against the other parent for validation. Not only is this sick but the long-term effects of this poisons the children’s relationships and future marriages.
5. Isolation
Covert narcissists may isolate themselves and their family members from wider social circles, either by directly discouraging social interactions or by making those around them feel that no one else will understand or accept them. This can limit children’s social skills and external support networks. The narcissist does not like to be held accountable nor have third parties that question their tactics to obtain validation, thus many family members or close friends that do not conform to the narcissist behavior will be shut out directly or indirectly.
6. Difficulty in Recognizing Abuse
The subtlety of covert narcissism can make it difficult for children (and even adults) to recognize the abuse. Emotional or psychological abuse can be insidious, leaving children confused about their feelings and the legitimacy of their experiences. It is common for this type of covert abuse to continue for years until the relationship is untenable. When one individual finally stops such abuse, a de-programing must happen because the abuse has become normalized into an individual’s life. For children this is detrimental because their minds have been trained that this abuse is normal.
Addressing the Issues
Recognizing the presence of a covert narcissist in the family is the first step towards addressing these issues. Seeking professional help is crucial but usually met with failure. A true covert narcissist does not want therapy.
Therapy is needed, however, and usually only accomplished with a Court Order, i.e. appointment of a reunification counselor or a psychological evaluation.
In cases involving custody or divorce, documenting instances of narcissistic behavior and its impact on the children can be important. Legal and psychological professionals with experience in high-conflict family dynamics can offer guidance and support.
Litigation involving covert narcissism are usually the costliest. A true covert narcissist cares not about money, credit card debt, or burning the marital estate or retirement to the ground, they only care about validation and admiration. The Judge, Jury, or close friends and family need to see how they are in the right and the other has destroyed their life. A true narcissist will burn the marital estate and family relationships to the ground if not handled properly.
Julian Nacol
Fathers Rights Attorney
Dallas, TX Fathers Rights Law Firm
(972) 690-3333
Parentification and Signs of Alienation
Parentification is a form of Parental Alienation. It is a dynamic in which the roles of parent and child become reversed, to a degree, resulting in the child taking on responsibilities and roles that are typically associated with parental figures. This can occur in both emotional and instrumental (practical) forms. Emotional parentification involves the child taking on the emotional support role of the parent, whereas instrumental parentification involves the child taking on practical duties such as caring for siblings, performing household chores, or managing finances. This coincides with parental alienation and are likely symptoms of other mental issues of the offending parent
Relationship Dynamics in Parentification
In a relationship affected by parentification, the boundary between the roles of parent and child is blurred or inverted. Children may feel a sense of pride and maturity in being trusted with adult responsibilities or being their parent’s confidante. However, this dynamic can severely disrupt the child’s development and affect their emotional well-being. The parent, on the other hand, might rely on the child for support they cannot find elsewhere, often due to their own unresolved issues, stress, illness, or substance abuse problems. This Dysfunctional reversal relation coincides with heaving family law litigation. The parent takes this tactic to vilify the other parent and place the children in the middle to defend the parenting parent. The following issues arise in the family Courts due to the alienating behavior:
Issues Arising from Parentification
- Loss of Childhood: Children who are parentified often miss out on essential aspects of their childhood. They may have limited opportunities to play, explore, and engage in age-appropriate activities with peers, leading to a sense of lost childhood. Unfortunately, the parentification can begin at a younger age but typically will begin around the ages of nine to eighteen when the child can begin taking responsibilities. Many children will lose out on their high school or developmental years due to having the burden of caring for their parent or allegedly protecting their parent due to litigation.
- Emotional and Psychological Impact: The burden of adult responsibilities can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues in children. They might struggle with self-esteem issues, feeling valued only for what they can provide rather than who they are. These impact are seen in future relationships with the children which continue the pattern of divorce and even through subsequent counseling, the children’s emotional state will never fully heal.
- Difficulty with Boundaries: Children who grow up in parentified roles may have trouble setting and respecting boundaries in their future relationships. They might become overly responsible caretakers or, conversely, may struggle to take responsibility for their actions.
- Relationship Challenges: The reversal of roles can complicate the parent-child relationship, sometimes breeding resentment or anger in the child. It can also affect the child’s future relationships, as they may either avoid caregiving roles or enter into relationships where they are again in a caregiving position, continuing the cycle.
- Educational and Social Impact: The demands of parentification can distract from schooling and extracurricular activities, affecting academic performance and social development. It might also lead to social isolation, as peers may not understand the child’s responsibilities or the child may feel different from their peers.
- Impaired Emotional Development: Children in parentified roles may become adept at caring for others but remain underdeveloped in caring for themselves. They might struggle with identifying and expressing their own needs and emotions.
Addressing the Issues
Breaking the cycle of parentification involves acknowledging the problem, setting appropriate boundaries, and seeking professional help. Therapy can be particularly beneficial for both the parent and the child, helping to address the underlying issues that led to parentification and working to establish a healthier dynamic. Support groups and educational programs can also provide resources and coping strategies.
In severe litigation this can prove expensive, but if the Judge is not shown these alienation tactics the emotional and psychological damage to the children will endure for the rest of their lives regardless of the counseling.
A parent that commits parentification or any other form of alienation usually has narcissistic personality attributes and cares not for the child’s best interest but only painting the other parent in a horrendous light. These issues need to be brought before the Judge at temporary orders to set a parent up to prove these tactics during final Trial.
Julian Nacol
Dallas Fathers Rights Attorney
Dallas TX
(972) 690-3333
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Attorney Mark A. Nacol is board certified in Civil Trial Law by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization