You are finally divorced from your Narcissistic Spouse! Now you are embarking on your new family situation with your Narcissist Ex: Co- Parenting! You are probably wondering how you became the lucky person who gets to experience this mind-altering situation along with other people you love the most: your children!
Let’s review what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder or ‘NPD”? It is a mental disorder where the person has a very transparent and superficial inflated self-esteem and neurotic needs for admiration and special treatment from other people. Typical arrogant behavior and lack of empathy for other people causes many problems in all emotional areas of their lives and relationships. Narcissists are usually very aggressive with impulsive tendencies, dangerous lifestyles involving cockiness, selfishness, manipulation and power motives. These individuals may appear as very exciting personalities at first meeting, but at the end of the day are unfulfilling and destructive. This false sense of entitlement produces a feeling that causes them to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.
One of the biggest personal disappointments in Co-Parenting with your Narcissistic Ex is that often you are as unsuccessful as you were in marriage with the ex-spouse.
Children cannot and do not offer the continuous positive feedback narcissist parents crave and the parent will often react in one of two ways. W. Keith Campbell, an expert on narcissism and professor of psychology at The University of Georgia, offers that “some lose interest in their children entirely and look for other sources of validation”. “Others view their children as a reflection of themselves and become hyper-involved and controlling. Disconnection is the key, even an overly narcissistic parent is emotionally detached and lacks warmth.”
Eminent psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington In her landmark book, For Better or For Worse, highlights the results of her study of 1,400 families and the importance of examining the type of conflict children experience. She notes high conflict that involves the child is physically violence, threatening or abusive conduct and conflict in which the child feels caught in the middle, causing the most adverse consequences for children. These effects include anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Some Strategies when dealing with Co-Parenting with your Narcissist Ex
- Limit your contact with your Ex. Contact should only involve information or issues concerning your children. Email or Text as much as possible. When you have the child, make the rule, “Unless an emergency, no contact will be made verbally until the child goes with the other parent. Try not to talk directly to the other parent when the children are present.
- Don’t Respond immediately or to everything (Hold that trigger response when children are present!) Also commit to a 24-hour turn around on all communications to and from your Ex!
- Make sure that you have a structured parenting plan in place that is very specific concerning schedules of visitation, holidays and vacations to help to minimize conflict. Also, if necessary, secure the help of professional counselors, lawyers, or therapists who can help the children and yourself to cope with the Narcissist Parent.
- Control your behavior and your triggers! Your ex-spouse knows you very well and knows how to press a trigger to make you look like the “Crazy “parent. This situation was continuous during the marriage and has continued in your Co-Parenting period. You are the adult and your children are watching your behavior concerning how they react to their other parent.
- Be the PARENTAL ROLE MODEL for your children. Show your children through your actions that you only have their best interest as your top priority. Control your behavior toward your narcissist ex and never bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
- Do not tolerate abusive/demeaning behavior from your Ex to either you or your children. You must be the “adult” and protect your children. If your children are afraid to go visit this parent or after a visit, the kids come back with bruises, breaks or a more serious medical problem, get professional help to stop this type of abuse. If you truly feel that this narcissist parent is abusing the child, do not continue to send the child back to this parent. Contact an attorney who can help you to keep your child safe.
- Last by not least do not care what other people think! This is your life and you are the only parent who can control and protect your child against the Narcissist Parent. Life is hard and people are not perfect. When your children grow up and are responsible parents, this will be your award for being there to care and protect them from parental harm.
The Nacol Law Firm P.C.
Many professions create impositions on conservators making a standard possession order inapplicable and unworkable. The Court may deviate from a standard possession order if the order is inappropriate or unworkable in reference to the schedules of both the conservators and the child. Unique professions and irregular school schedules for children allow the Court to have flexibility to deviate from a standard possession order that is in the Best Interest of the Child. There are multiple ways in which the Court may depart from a standard possession order to fulfill the needs of all parties involved with the custody of the child.
First, the Family Code § 153.254 states that the Court will be allowed deference to modify the standard possession order if work schedules of either conservators or the school schedule of the child is irregular. The Court must attempt to narrowly tailor the modifications to keep the new possession order as similar to the standard possession order as possible. This instance most commonly occurs when the Managing Conservator and the Possessory Conservator cannot reach an agreement and one of the two Conservators has a unique profession such as a firefighter, police officer, or airline pilot. The working hours of these jobs allow the Court to modify the standard possession order even if both of the parties do not comply with the changes. The modifications must be made only if it is in the Best Interest of the Child.
Secondly, the standard possession order may always be modified if it is by the mutual agreement of both the Managing Conservator and Possessory Conservator. Family Code § 153.007 is the Agreed Parenting Plan Statute and allows for both parties to agree on a standard possession order for the child. This statute was passed to promote amicability in settlement for child custody issues and to give flexibility to the parents if they are willing to agree on custody terms. The Agreed Parenting Plan must be in the Best Interest of the Child for the Court to approve. If the Court grants the Agreed Parenting Plan then the Managing or Possessory Conservator will have a remedy as a matter of law for any violation of the agreement committed by either party.
Finally, both Conservators may enter into a Mediated Settlement Agreement under Family Code § 153.0071. A Mediated Settlement Agreement is the only time in which the Court will NOT look at the Best Interest of the Child when granting the custody agreement.
The Mediated Settlement Agreement § 153.0071 must be:
- In bold, underlined, and capital letters that the agreement is NOT REVOCABLE
- Signed by Both Parties to the agreement
- Signed by the lawyers (if represented) of each party
The Mediated Settlement Agreement is binding and not revocable so if the Conservators wish to go this route they must understand that what is in the agreement will be held as binding. This method can be used to modify or change a standard possession order and the Court will not look at the Best Interest of the Child regarding the agreement, unless there exists a credible threat of domestic violence.
These are the methods in which a unique possession order may be obtained to accommodate irregular schedules or working hours of both the conservators. Any possession order must be correctly drafted and all future contingencies must be accounted for. An experienced lawyer must be contacted to safeguard an individual’s custody rights of their children and to make sure that a fair custody arrangement is obtained.
The New Year is always a good time for personal changes and after another stressful Holiday Season with your kids and Ex, you have decided to make some serious changes in your child custody situation to stabilize the entire family. Mom is not helping and the children are seriously acting out. What to do? What to do?
Maybe it is time to look at changing your child custody status with the children or at least modifying the current orders. Many changes have occurred in American Family Behavior and fathers are taking a more active role in their children’s lives. The Pew Research Center has recently published some new research on today’s fathers with some important and surprising changes:
Fewer dads are the family’s sole breadwinner: dual income households are now the dominant arrangement (60%). Both mom and father must now be responsible for child raising and home chores.
Dad and mom roles are converging: fathers have taken on more housework and child care duties and moms have increased time spent at a paid job. There is definitely a more equal distribution of labor between mother and fathers in today’s world.
Fathers feel they spend more or as much time with their children as their fathers did when they were children
With the latest scientific research showing that a father’s involvement is essential to a child’s social, moral, and physical growth during the adolescent period, many state legislatures and family courts are now recognizing a father’s ability to care for his children as equal to the mother. Courts are also looking at the more stable parent, who may have a better income and parenting plan in place for the child and is capable of providing a better home life and more quality time with the child.
Another reason for changing opinions regarding fathers’ rights child custody issues has been the high divorce rates and the affect it has had on the USA population life experiences. Many adults have been raised in a divorced home with Mom as the main custodial parent. Now these adults are divorcing they want a different and better experience for their own children and their lives.
Things you want to consider as you prepare for your child custody battle are:
Who has the financial ability to best care for the child (ren)? Be sure to have income tax verification, W-2 Forms and other financial information available.
Establish a detailed viable parenting plan (child care, after school care, transportation, pediatrician, etc.).
Who is more stable and/or can provide the best home for the child (ren)?
Where has the child (ren) been attending school? Is it possible to keep the child (ren) in the same school district?
Prepare a chronology of events leading up to the divorce including treatment of the child(ren), time spent with the child(ren), activities with the child(ren), the child(ren)’s schedule.
Consider if a home study should be prepared regarding each home of the child (ren).
Consider whether a psychological evaluation should be done on the mother?
Is drug testing necessary? (Be sure to request hair follicle drug testing.)
Is there an alcohol or other addiction problem in the home?
Who can provide the best moral upbringing for the children?
Is there evidence such as pictures, social networking sites, video tapes, texting, etc. that may help your case?
Avoid unnecessary compromising photos, data on social networking sites, or texting!
Just Remember the five biggest mistakes men make in a custody suits are: 1) failing to respond to the legal action itself; 2) obtaining incorrect child custody legal advice (from friends and family rather than a legal expert); 3) signing a quick child custody settlement agreement while passions are high that is later deeply regretted; 4) failing to perform under the actual settlement agreement as signed; and 5) getting frustrated and/or acquiescing to unreasonable demands and orders.
Think smart when contemplating Child Custody Modifications, be prepared and get an experienced legal professional to help you accomplish your goals!
Child custody issues can be difficult for the parties involved at any time, but when the custody case crosses a state line, Dallas family law attorney Mark Nacol warns that many more conflicts and problems may arise.
Most states follow a uniform law regarding determination of appropriate state jurisdiction in custody matters known as the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA), and related statutes laws which enforce or set procedures regarding proper jurisdiction such as the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act. Texas has adopted these statutes. The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Enforcement Act defines which state has or may maintain jurisdiction in a particular case and often mandates that other states recognize decisions handed down by the state determined to have jurisdiction.
The Act states, among other things, that a court may rule on custody issues if the Child:
- Has continually lived in that state for 6 months or longer
- Was living in the state before being wrongfully taken elsewhere by a parent seeking custody in another state
- Has an established relationship with people (family, relatives or teachers), ties, and attachments in the state
- Has been abandoned: or is safe in current state, but could be in danger of neglect or abuse in the home state
There are a number of core factors involved in determining which state is appropriate to initiate or maintain an existing suit. Usually, there are only two states involved, but it is possible to have more than two states involved in cases where there is a frequent moving of the parties and or the children. Generally, any state in which one of the parties and the child has continually resided for a year may establish venue to commence a lawsuit.
The Nacol Law Firm PC represents parents trying to enforce these laws; cases where there is a need to persuade courts to apply the specific, narrow exceptions to these general rules in order to have custody cases heard in the most convenient forum in which the most evidence is available; cases where the child’s home state or other basic questions need to be clarified, and cases where a parent has violated or has been falsely accused of violating these laws.
The number of fathers caring for their children is growing at a rate almost twice that of single mothers. The bottom line is more men are choosing to be hands-on fathers. In addition, presumed joint custody — or shared custody by both parents of children of divorce — is now the law of the land in most states.
Scores of research have documented the positive effects of a father’s involvement in a child’s life. Regrettably, currently approximately 30% of American children live without their father’s involvement in their life.
As the number of women in the work force has increased, some men appear to have become more involved in fatherhood and show greater interest in child-care responsibilities. With more women in the workplace than ever before — 68% of women with children under 18 — divorce courts in most states are not simply awarding custody and care of children to mothers by default. In some cases, the mother has neither the time, nor the will, to care full time for her offspring. In other cases, she may not have the financial means. The gradual progress towards leveling the playing field for women at work has resulted in slowly leveling the playing field at home. The law is beginning to catch up as well. Divorce laws of more and more states are taking into account the importance of children maintaining relationships with dads as well as moms after divorce.
Following is a sample of what other sources have had to say about the risks faced by fatherless children:
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
- 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
- 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)
- 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
- 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
- 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)
After economic factors are excluded, children reared in fatherless homes are more than twice as likely to become male adolescent delinquents or teen mothers.
Recent studies have suggested that children whose fathers are actively involved with them from birth are more likely to be emotionally secure, confident in exploring their surroundings, have better social connections with peers as they grow older, are less likely to get in trouble at home and at school, and are less likely to use drugs and alcohol. Children with fathers who are nurturing, involved, and playful also turn out to have higher IQs and better linguistic and cognitive capacities.
The divorce process is difficult for all involved. It is far better for the children if the parents are able and willing to place them outside of difficult divorce issues. Children want to run and laugh and play. In many cases they are not mature enough to process adult issues. Keep heated issues between the adults and away from hearing range of the children. No matter how angry a parent is, they should promote the children viewing the other parent in a positive light. Children need positive role models. Even if a parent feels the other parent has wronged them, it is just as wrong for that parent to take away the ability for their children to have a parent they can be proud of and look up to.